7/11/21
Pulse check: still alive. Doing pretty well, actually, which worries me a little. I feel like I'm leaving something behind by getting better, which I also feel like is the point of getting better. Still, I wonder if everything I leave behind is something I mean to leave, and that I'm not dropping things that actually meant something to me beyond just causing pain.
6/1/21
Saw that a site I used to visit a lot on here deleted. I hope they're okay. It was a personal journal type site and I always felt kinda weird reading the posts on there but it was comforting in a way, knowing there was someone else out there, going through their own struggles but still sitting down and doing this thing every day. I dunno why they deleted, I hope it was just to get a fresh start. I had a friend who I lost touch with, and when I tried to reconnect I found out they just up and disappeared too. I hope they got their fresh start, too. I miss them.
5/30/21
And so it's on to the next thing.
3/13/21
Therapists are nice because I think I just want the answers handed to me. Like there is a right way and a wrong way and I just want to be told what the right way is so I can do that and never have to have to spend several minutes calming myself down from the smallest disturbances or have an entire day ruined because I thought about the wrong thing. I talked to another councilor and she told me that it's human to feel bad or angry or anxious. It's part of the full range of human emotion, same as joy or happiness or contentment. My first thought was "well, sure. I feel the anxiety and the anger, but I can't remember the last time I felt joy or excitement." I think now part of the reason is I spend so much time trying to analyze away the Bad. I think by just logic-ing it enough I can think my way out of the pit. But I think that's exactly why I can't get out. It doesn't play by those rules. I need a new approach. Think about it without thinking about it. Solve the maze with my eyes shut. Catch and release.
2/28/21
Good days are fragile.
2/3/21
I think I'm going to miss thinking about my life in terms of semesters. There's something comforting about knowing your life is divided into segments that have a clear beginning and end. There's finish lines, and there's rewards afterwards. Once this is done I'll be out in the wild. Things just come. Everyone says it's some grand acheivement, being finally "free" of school. Frankly, I don't want to be free. I've never felt more free than I have here. I choose my routine, my courses, and while there are distinct ends, I can talk to the folks in charge and work things out. It's nice. Out there, in the world of industry things are different. I dont think I'm ready for it.
1/27/21
Back at it again.